How To Get Anyone To Like You By Offering Value Instead Of Taking Value


how to get anyone to like you

I'm going to share with you a powerful concept that has changed my life.  This concept, if applied to your own life, will drastically improve your relationships with others, as well as help you build your own business and success in life.  It will make people WANT to be around you and help you.  It will allow you to be someone that is a force for good that people are naturally drawn to.  And if you apply it to your business and career, you will become wealthier than you could have ever imagined.

Watch Part 1 below:

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Watch Part 2 below:

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What Happens When You Become Successful

I want to share with you my experience and what has changed for me since I started blogging two years ago.  I've noticed that the more successful I've become, the more attention and admiration I received from others.  People perceive me as being “high status”, simply because of my accomplishments and how I conduct myself as an “authority” by helping others.  As a result, I've become in high demand.  I get flooded with hundreds of e-mails and messages everyday of people that want to talk to me.  Some of these requests are for me to help them or answer their questions, others are wanting to meet up with me or “pick my brain” on things, and many are just people saying “thanks” and want to acknowledge me for how I've enhanced their lives.

While it's very humbling and I'm grateful for being able to inspire others and help people, it has also become a challenge in many ways.  The amount of attention I've been receiving lately has been overwhelming, especially since I've publicly been sharing my goals and resolutions.  I've noticed that since I moved into a penthouse and bought a sport scar, people's perception of me has shifted.  Friends on Facebook (many times people I haven't talked to in years) suddenly begin messaging you out of the blue.  They've seen my success and now want me to help them become successful as well.  They want to now hangout all of a sudden and expect me to take time out of my life to coach them for free in many cases.  When I tell them that I have a course that can help you that I've put together, they expect me to give it to them for free.  Now, while I do enjoy helping people and spend most of my time helping people for free anyways, I've learned that it isn't the best use of my time.  I always help my friends and family as much as I can, but I found it somewhat frustrating and annoying when people that I haven't talked to in so long have these expectations from you.

In the same way, I've noticed that girls have responded to me differently.  Girls that I pursued or was interested in years ago, but perhaps were “flakey” or not as interested all of a sudden want to hang out and talk to me again.  Fascinating…

When it comes to followers of my blog, I have many people that send me long e-mails expecting me to help solve their life problems.  They want to ask for my advice or feedback on things.  They don't want to pay me for my time or hire me as a coach, but rather just expect me to spend my time each day helping them for free.  People that have purchased my course, Kindle Money Mastery, not only expect me to deliver a high quality product to them (which I always do), but also expect to receive free coaching and feedback from me to help them every step of the way.

Most people usually don't take into consideration your OWN time and what you have going on in your own life, but rather are often just thinking about themselves.  They are, what I call, TAKING VALUE.

Taking Value Vs. Offering Value

When people are mostly focused on themselves and trying to take value from others, it usually repels people.  In the same way, when you walk down the street and have dozens of homeless people that walk up to you asking you for change, while you might give and help as much as you can, it eventually can become a massive turn off.  I've found myself just outright ignoring homeless people or developing a “guard” when they come up to me, as I know immediately that they WANT something.  I often just say, “Sorry I don't have any change” and it's become an automated response.

In the same way, if there's an attractive woman at a bar or club, she likely gets hit on a lot.  She has a lot of men that give her attention or approach her because they WANT something from her.  Maybe they want to sleep with her, or get her phone number, or go on a date with her.  As a result, when she gets approached so many times from people that are TAKING VALUE, then she puts up a wall and usually shoots guys down before they have a chance.

When you are coming from a place of TAKING from others or LEECHING without adding value first, then you become very unattractive.  People will often dismiss you or ignore you.  They get turned off by this, even getting frustrated or annoyed.  It's like when a celebrity is sitting down for dinner and just wants privacy to eat, but is constantly bombarded by people that want something from them.  People don't take into consideration the person's life, but rather have expectations from them and can be demanding.  If the person doesn't respond the way they want, they will often say “That person was a jerk!” or have a negative impression of them, not realizing that the person gets FLOODED by people demanding their time everyday.

Instead, I want to introduce you to another approach.  This new approach will change things completely for you and is a much better way to approach your relationships with others.  This new approach is what I call OFFERING VALUE.

When you're offering value to someone, you aren't focused on yourself, but you're focused on adding value to the other persons life.  You are being respectful and considerate of their time.   You don't have a hidden agenda or aren't expecting anything from them, you just want to add value with no strings attached.

A homeless person that opens the door for others or is cleaning the streets or adding value in some way is more likely to get more money instead of just focusing on taking value.  They've now become a GIVER, instead of a TAKER.

If you want to approach that beautiful woman at a bar or club, if you get rid of any outcome and instead just focus on making her smile, making her day, or adding value to her life with no strings attached, then it will change your dating results drastically.  Women will all of a sudden WANT to be around you.  They will WANT to give you their phone number or go on a date with you as a result.  I've literally coached guys where I've seen them approach a woman on the street just to compliment her and then walk away, only to have her hunt him down and ask to exchange phone numbers with him.

adding valueIn your career, if you focus on ADDING VALUE to your company or helping the company grow and be successful, then you are more likely to get a raise or promotion.  If you focus on just extracting value from your employer and slack and only care about your pay checks, then you'll either be out of a job or won't progress beyond where you're at.

In business, if you focus on ADDING VALUE to your customers and focus on reaching more people, then they will WANT to do business with you.  They will want to buy your products and services.  They will want to follow you and support you.

With Project Life Mastery, I truly believe the reason why I've been so successful with it is because I focus on adding value first.  Every week, I spend hours recording high quality videos and writing these long blog posts to help people.  It requires a lot of hard work and time to do each one.  When I publish them, I don't ask for anything in return – I just put them out there for free for others to benefit from.  As a result, people find my content and receive value from it, which leads them to wanting to know more about me or subscribing to my e-mail list.  On my blog or e-mail list, they will then find out about the courses, products or coaching that I offer and will sign-up for them.

This is ONLY because I've added value first.  If I just focused on promoting and selling to you in every video and blog post without providing any value, then you would likely tune out.  You'd shut me off and wouldn't subscribe to my blog or videos.  You wouldn't be following me or interested in anything that I have to offer, because then I would be only focused on myself and TAKING VALUE.

I hope this concept makes sense to you.  If you change your approach and your mindset to being a GO-GIVER instead of a GO-GETTER, your results will transform in all areas of your life.

I learned from a friend of mine, Darren Jacklin, years ago to ask people this question…

What's the best way for me to add value to your life?

When you ask it, it will take people off guard.  If they are a successful person or an authority figure, it will break their pattern.  They aren't used to someone that is focused on adding value to them.  They are usually used to people that only want to take value from them.  Make this a regular question for you to ask others and things will change for you.

The Best Ways For Me To Add Value To You

There's a huge part of me that cares about others and wants to make everyone happy.  I'm a people pleaser.  I always want to leave everyone better off for having met me.  I want to be a source of good emotions and someone that adds value as much as I can.

Lately, I've been so overwhelmed by the number of e-mails and messages that I receive from people on a daily basis.  While I do the best I can to respond to each person, I realized it's unrealistic for me to do this.  The rate at which my blog and business is growing is too fast and I'm unable to communicate with everyone as much as I'd like.  I WANT to help you as much as I can and would love to coach everyone for free and help everyone succeed in their lives, but it is unrealistic for me to do so.  I only have 24 hours in the day and I've realized that responding to each person 1-on-1 isn't the best use for my time, as it takes away from other projects that I have that can instead have more of an impact.

That's why I hired a customer support team that over the last 3 months has been spending a few hours a day responding to e-mails that I receive.  I pay them $15/hour and they are a Canadian company (in Ottawa) and they do a remarkable job.  I always want to ensure I have the highest quality support that I can and not cheap out on this, because I care about my relationship with my followers and customers.  They won't be able to answer ALL of your questions like I can, but they do their best, and some of the e-mails that are really important will go through to me.

Despite this, I still constantly receive hundreds of e-mails and messages from people on Facebook.  I always give top priority to my friends and family, coaching clients, and the Full Disclosure members of my Kindle Money Mastery course.  These are the people that are willing to pay me for my time and so I focus on helping them as much as I can.

With all of the other e-mails and messages I receive, I've been realizing more and more that it isn't the best use of my time to respond to everyone individually.  If I spend an hour responding to 10 people over e-mail, I am able to help 10 people.  But what you don't realize, is there's an opportunity cost for me doing that.  With that hour that I spent, I could have created a video blog that I could publish on the internet that could instead reach THOUSANDS of people.  That video blog would then be on the internet forever and could potentially reach millions of people for years to come.  I could also spend that time creating a course or book or product that could then help people even further and add value.

I'm learning more and more to LEVERAGE myself so that I can have more of an impact and make a bigger difference.  By creating video blogs, products and services I am able to reach more people.  That is the best way that I can add value to you.

I hope this makes sense and that the concept of offering value is something that you begin to use in your life.  It's changed my life in so many ways and it will change yours also.  Don't be a leech.  Don't be someone that just takes, but rather be someone that gives.  If you focus on adding value and contributing first, others will want to help you.  They will want to be around you and it will change your experiences with them.

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How To Get Anyone To Like You By Offering Value Instead Of Taking Value
5 (100%) 3 votes
  • Kenneth Dean Melendez

    Be a go-giver not a go-getter. Thanks Stefan for another great post!

    • Mary

      That’s a good one!

  • Peter Phoenix

    Great post. If a friend (without weird ulterior motives) wanted to get into your circle, what would be the best way for him to offer value to you?

    • I can give you some examples that has worked for me. When I was 21, I decided to put on a seminar here in Vancouver and bring in several successful guest speakers to speak at it. I added value to them by helping their goal of getting in front of people and promoting their business. I filled a room with over 100 people and had them speak at it, which was a huge success for them (I covered the expenses for the room and everything). As a result, I ended up becoming friends and building a relationship with these successful people because I added value to them first.

      In my business today, when I promote or offer to help another internet marketer in my industry, it allows me to develop a friendship with them. For example, I have reached out and helped some other internet marketers with the Kindle side of things. Or with my last coach, I paid him to coach me and now we no longer have a coach-student relationship, but now we’re friends and he helps me for free.

      If you can align with the persons goals or help them achieve them in some way, or have value to provide them, that is the best way of doing it.

      Most of my friends now are successful internet marketers or top people in their industry. For example, my friend Sean in a previous video is a fitness role model of mine, won the WBFF, was a personal trainer, is an internet marketer, etc… My friend Darren Jacklin is a corporate trainer and speaker. My friends in my mastermind group (Mike, Colter, Jagger) are all successful entrepreneurs. My friend Wade is a 3-time national bodybuilding champion and went to Mr. Universe and is a successful entrepreneur. So for me, I generally spend time with these types of people because I can relate most to them and they add value to me, while I add value to them. I enjoy being around them and we have a lot in common.

  • Good points, I have definitely been guilty of trying to GET more from people….and still catch myself doing the same from time to time..(as you mentioned, it is the monkey brain). Changing the mental programming takes time and if someone has a desire to change they should also give themselves the permission to fail, make mistakes and forgive themselves.

  • Sean PI Stewart

    WOW Loved the part about the girls wanting to come over –

  • Jacob

    Very good article Stefan!! Very in depth and thanks for sharing your insight with us all. Its always better to give value. It can accelerate others lives and yours as well if you focus on creating value.

  • I read the Education of Millionaires last year and Michael Ellsberg devoted quite a bit of the book to how to network the right way. The trick seems to be to first get to know someone enough to know what might be beneficial to them and their goals. If you are in person do it by asking the right questions and then offering them either a helpful suggestion, a fresh perspective if it’s offered to a welcomed interest or if there is nothing you can think of that you can offer of benefit then simply recommending someone else who could can be useful. I’ll use myself as an example in this case, I’m recommending you guys checkout Michael Ellsberg! Here’s a talk he did on the subject a couple of a years ago http://www.ellsberg.com/awesomeness-fest

  • You are absolutely right Stefan. Most people are so self-absorbed with their own life, that they forget, that they can also be a source to provide value to others. It’s again an amazing eye-opening post from you.

  • Mary

    SO true. For most people it is ALL about them. That’s OK if we can sell them what they want, then we are both happy :).
    I have worked in service with people for decades. And when their energy is all about “taking”, it is completely repelling!
    PS. And Sean–that was funny!

  • ntathu

    Bless you Stefan, thanks for sharing and talking from your heart. Look afterself, stay true to you and have fun.

  • Kayvee

    Hi Stefan

    This is unrelated to your post, but since I know how much you enjoy dragons Den I thought you may like to read this


    • Ah too bad, I love Kevin O’Leary! Oh well, I like Shark Tank more anyways!

      • Kayvee

        You should read his first book. Fascinating story. He has taught me to speak my mind more (in a non hurtful way of course).

  • This principle is also discusses in “the secret”. You pretty much get back what you send out. When you send out love, value, appreciation that’s exactly what you’ll get back. Power of the mind is amazing. I need to brainwash myself for happiness more often haha. Anyway, take care man!