How To Overcome Loneliness

I would like to talk to you about how to overcome loneliness.  There are a lot of people that struggle with the feeling of being alone.

I don’t feel lonely in my life, so I have a hard time relating to this, but I can appreciate how debilitating it must feel. By nature, I am an introvert. I enjoy spending time alone, and I need solitude to reflect and recharge.

Alternatively, extroverts gain energy from being around other people.  As a result, these people may struggle more with the feeling of being alone.

Watch the video below:

(Click here to watch on YouTube)

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You need to realize that you are never really alone. Why do I say this? You have a relationship with yourself, which I believe is one of the most important relationships you need to have. I think that loneliness occurs when you have certain needs that you are trying to meet externally, that aren’t being met internally.

I believe that you can meet your needs in an internal way. For example, if you are lonely, it is possible that you have a need for connection and love that is not being met. Why do you have to meet that connection for love with other people? Why can’t you connect with yourself and give that love to yourself?

Ask yourself, “How can I give myself more love?  How can I connect more with myself?” Although it may feel uncomfortable at first, learn to enjoy being alone.  When you do, you will be less dependent on others for love and connection. Paulo Coelho once said, “If you are never alone you cannot know yourself, and if you don’t know yourself, you will begin to fear the void”.

Daily rituals are a way that I connect to myself, whether that’s through exercising, writing in my gratitude journal, meditating, reading, saying affirmations, etc. I nurture myself before I spend time with anyone else. When I do so, I am able to embrace my day and give more. Never forget that loneliness is just a feeling or emotion.  Remember that you have the power to master your emotions.

We all have different rules for what it takes for us to feel connected and fulfilled. Create a daily ritual that works for you, condition that ritual, and make time to cultivate a relationship with yourself. You deserve it.

Video transcript

Let's talk a little bit about loneliness. How do you overcome loneliness? How do you deal with it? I know there are a lot of people out there that struggle with the feeling of being alone.  In fact, one person sent me a question and they said, “Stefan, how do you overcome the feeling of being alone, the loneliness that you can experience on the path to success”? In order for you to achieve your goals and dreams, there are going to be times in your life where you might have to take the road that's less traveled. 

You might have to grind things out alone by yourself for months on end. You might have to make sacrifices at different points in your life, and spend less time with some of your friends and family.  How do you deal with it? To be honest with you, I don't really feel lonely in my life. I can't actually remember the last time that I did, and I have a hard time relating to this.  However, many years ago I can recall feeling the emotion of loneliness, but I haven't felt it in years.

The truth is that I'm alone a lot. I spend most of my life alone. I've got great friends and family, I've got a great girlfriend, but most of the time I’m alone. I've got a team. I've got staff, both virtual and local, but most the time we work from home and I work alone. I work from my apartment. I've traveled alone for months on end. I've been single at different times in my life for several months. It's not because I’m not alone. I spent a lot of my time alone, and I'm actually more, by nature, an introvert.

I think extroverts struggle more with this because extroverts always need to be around people. When they're not, they can feel alone. Introverts tend to be more comfortable being alone because they have got to recharge. I think the core belief that I have that really helps me with this, and ensures that I never feel lonely is I actually believe that's impossible to really feel alone.  The truth of the reality is that you are never really alone.

You are never alone

I think the reason for that is, #1, you have a relationship with yourself, which I think is one of the most important relationships that you need to have. Also, based on your spiritual beliefs, you have a relationship with the universe, God, your Creator, or whatever you want to call it. I believe that you're never really alone, and I think loneliness is when you have certain needs that you are trying to meet externally through other people that aren't being met internally. I think that you can meet your needs in an internal way.

For example, when someone is lonely it’s because they have a need for connection and love that's not being met. My question for you is, “Why do you need to meet that need for connection and love through other people? In fact, why can't you meet that need with yourself? Why can't you connect with yourself and give that love? Whatever you are needy for, you are trying to get through other people, why can't you give that to yourself first?”

If you can fill yourself with these emotions and these needs that you are trying to meet, then you will be able to give them more to other people, and you are not going to have to find someone else in your life to try to fulfill that need for you. One thing that I often think about and ask people is, “If you are needy, if you are all alone and you're trying to meet the need for love or connection, why not give that to yourself. In fact, how can you give yourself love? How can you connect more with yourself?”

What about just spending time with yourself?  Just like if you are in a relationship, how do you let someone know that you love them? You are going to spend time with them. How often do you spend time with yourself and maybe do fun things with yourself? Just like you might take out a partner on a date or an adventure, why not take yourself on a date or an adventure? Why not treat yourself and connect with yourself in that way?

If you can give more to yourself, then I think what you will find is that you will actually be less dependent on other people for that feeling of connection and love. Besides spending time with yourself, another way to let someone know that you love them is you could tell them.  You might say that to another person, “I love you”.  You might compliment them or praise them, but why not give that to yourself?

Giving yourself a gift

Why can't you compliment yourself just by looking in the mirror each day, looking directly in your eyes and giving yourself love? Say to yourself how much you love yourself, how proud you are of yourself, and what you admire about yourself.  When you can learn to give to yourself and meet your own needs, then you are less dependent on other people to meet your needs for you. Maybe you might show someone know that you love them by giving them a gift. Why can't you give yourself a gift?

When is the last time that you treated yourself or bought yourself something to reward yourself in some way?  For myself, I believe that the rituals that I do every day is a way of connecting with myself.  When I do my morning ritual, I'm connecting with myself. I'm spending time with myself before I spend time with anyone else because my ritual is a place for me to fill myself up, so that I can rip open the world with whatever it is that I want to give.

I approach the world each day from a place of being full, and giving and contributing, as opposed to being in the position of trying to take and trying to fill myself up. My ritual involves writing in my gratitude journal, asking myself questions, affirmations, writing, reading. These are all things that I do to connect more with myself. Prayer and meditation are also great ways that you can connect with your Creator.  My challenge for you in order to overcome loneliness, is to build a better relationship with yourself.  Spend more time with yourself, and change your perception about how you're spending that time.  Give more to yourself.

We all have different rules of what it takes for us to feel connected, fulfilled, and to feel in love. Based on your beliefs about what that's going to take for you, you have got to make sure that you set yourself up to win, and that you give to yourself in ways that you are going to be filled up and never feel that feeling of being alone or disconnected. I think it's actually very useful to spend time by yourself.

It's unhealthy to be so dependent on someone else

Sometimes people build codependency in a very unhealthy way in a relationship or with their kids.  I think it's important to have that time alone, even though it might be uncomfortable. I remember years ago I went traveling by myself for a weekend. I was very young at the time, and I was very scared to do it. I was very uncomfortable. It really strengthened me in a lot of different ways, so that I could be more independent in my life.

While I could give you advice, like spend more time with friends and family, or get a dog or a cat, I think those are great things to help you connect with others, but I think you are missing the point of connecting more with yourself.  Talk to yourself. Connect with yourself. Do whatever you have got to do in order to create that feeling.  Loneliness is just a feeling. It's just an emotion. You have the power to master your emotions, at any moment that you choose.

Sometimes you have to condition it. Sometimes you've got to create a ritual, take time for yourself, make that appointment first thing in the morning, for yourself, because you deserve it and you're worth it. You have got to condition that every day, and that's where a morning ritual can really change your life. For me, that's why I love my morning ritual. It's a time for me to connect with myself.

If you don't have one, you need one. If you still struggle with this, you really need to revisit that and create a ritual that can help support you in that way. You can check out my Morning Ritual Mastery course.  I have a link below. Take that time for yourself and create that relationship.  

That's the most important one that you have, and you've got to treasure it, you've got to nurture it every single day.  Relationships take work and you have got to make sure that you build it, and that it's always growing for you. Hopefully this video can help you in some way in overcoming loneliness. If it did, hit the thumbs up button. Hit the Like button. I appreciate any support that you give. Subscribe for more videos like this. Of course, check out my Morning Ritual Mastery Course if you want to create your own empowering ritual in your life.