Self-compassion is a quality that a lot of people struggle with because they don't know what it actually looks like.
It's way easier to be compassionate towards others. It feels more selfless and empathetic to be kind to those in need. Wait a minute… what about you? You matter too. Unfortunately, society has conditioned us to believe that being hard on ourselves is a good thing. We aren't taught self-compassion.
Kristin Neff, a pioneer of research on self-compassion, believes that our society’s emphasis on achievement and self-esteem lies at the heart of much unnecessary and even counterproductive suffering.
When people fail, they end up beating themselves up and allow their inner critics to take over. They say things like, “I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm a failure.” These thoughts are a recipe for disaster.
Are you ready to learn about the 4 myths of self-compassion? When you know what self-compassion isn't, you will feel empowered to show yourself more love and kindness.
In the video below I talk about my morning ritual for daily success:
(Click here to watch on YouTube)
How would it feel to wake up every day and feel a deep sense of self-compassion for yourself? CLICK HERE to join my Morning Ritual Mastery program!
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Do you know what self-compassion is?
In this book, The Mindful Path To Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself From Destructive Thoughts and Emotions, Christopher Gremer refers to self-compassion as “simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.”
Sounds easy, right? Not for everyone.
Self-compassion is a foreign idea for many people because they don't know what it is, much less what it means to practice it. If you struggle with it, don't worry. You aren't alone. In a world that is obsessed with achievement, we have been trained to become our own worst enemies.
Scientific data shows that self-criticism makes us weaker in the face of failure, more emotional, and less likely to assimilate lessons from our failures. There is a much healthier alternative to self-criticism, and it's called self-compassion. In the words of Kristin Neff, “Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you are good enough, self-compassion asks what's good for you.”
Too often, many of us take the relationship that we have with ourselves for granted. When our negative self-talk goes into overdrive we end up feeling insecure and fall into a negative cycle of self-sabotaging behavior. Sit back and ask yourself – “Would you ever speak to your friend or someone you love like you talk to yourself?”
If your answer shocks you, it's time to start showing yourself more love and kindness.
Think about someone that you've met who exudes an enormous amount of self-love. How do they act? What do they say? Moving from self-criticism to self-compassion is a process that doesn't happen overnight. It can be challenging to change conditioned patterns of thinking, but it is possible.
Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have, so I encourage you to learn how to love yourself unconditionally every single day, even when you don't feel like it.
Research shows that people who have self-compassion have greater social connectedness, emotional intelligence, happiness, and overall life satisfaction. If self-compassion is correlated with psychological well-being, then why is it such a hard sell?
Sometimes it comes down to not knowing what self-compassion actually is. I want to share 4 myths that people tend to buy into. If you agree with any of them, I encourage you to change your thinking.
1. Self-compassion is selfish
Many people think that self-compassion is selfish. If we put ourselves first, that means that we are a bad person. Wrong. Taking care of yourself is about honoring what it is that you need. If you don't give yourself love, how do you expect to give it to anyone else?
When you give all of your compassion away and don't leave any for yourself, not only are you left feeling exhausted, but you can also become resentful of the people in your life who take from you. Some people are raised by their parents to believe that they need to put everyone else's needs before their own. That becomes the “how to achieve happiness and fulfillment” card, which is far from true.
It takes a lot of strength to actually make yourself a priority every day. It's a lot easier to fall into the trap of responsibilities, to-do lists, errands, work, and emails. Taking the time to fill ourselves up and focus on what is important to us is the most selfless act of love. It allows us to get grounded and connect to our inner self.
This is especially important for mothers who tend to drop into guilt mode when they set aside time to do anything for themselves that doesn't involve their children. The demands of motherhood make many women feel that their own needs don't matter IF they want to be a perfect parent.
2. Self-compassion is self-indulgent
Being self-compassionate doesn't mean that you are lazy or self-indulgent. We can be so hard on ourselves. When we criticize ourselves we are only left feeling depleted. Just because we failed or didn't get the outcome that we hoped for, that doesn't mean that we aren't good enough. It simply means that we have more to learn.
Self-compassion is a mindset. It's about reframing a challenging experience as an opportunity for growth and acknowledging that highs and lows are a normal part of life. Think of self-compassion as a loving friend who is there to inspire and encourage you to be kinder and more forgiving to yourself.
Perfection doesn't exist, so the next time that life doesn't go your way, look for the positive and celebrate your successes, instead of ruminating on your faults.
3. Self-compassion is self-pity
Individuals who become so obsessed with their own emotional drama wallow in self-pity. As a result, they lack empathy and compassion because they assume that they are the only people on the planet that are suffering.
People who display self-compassion acknowledge that individuals share similar experiences to one another, and strive for connection as a way of leaning on others' for support. They realize that human suffering is a universal condition.
They are still able to look outward and see the bigger picture, whereas an individual who drowns in self-pity complains, in an unconscious attempt to get from others that which he/she needs in themselves. The result? A vicious cycle of victimhood that only leaves someone feeling helpless and feeling like they don't have any control over their lives.
4. Self-compassion is a sign of weakness
Practicing self-compassion doesn't make you weak or helpless. Rather, it makes you feel powerful and unstoppable. Showing up for yourself every day means that you have made the conscious decision that you are the CEO of your life.
Self-compassion is closely tied to effective coping skills. Research has found that self-compassionate individuals are less likely to use avoidant ways of coping, such as being in denial or defensiveness, and are more able to tackle difficult situation head-on.
By showing yourself love and compassion through adversity, you will be more likely to bounce back from difficult times and come back stronger than ever before.
Self-compassion is a work in progress.
We are human. We all have bad days. However, when we can live from a place of knowing that we are enough, we experience the ultimate form of self-love.
If self-compassion isn't all of the above things, then what is it? In her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Dr. Kristin Neff says that self-compassion consists of three parts:
Self-Kindness – being understanding and forgiving towards ourselves when we fail or make mistakes.
Common Humanity – the recognition that suffering is a part of the human condition.
Mindfulness – observing negative emotions from a place of openness and clarity.
Creating a morning ritual has been one of the most powerful ways that I have been able to show myself unconditional love and kindness. How you spend your mornings determines how your day will unfold. If you start your day by rolling over, hitting the snooze button and then trolling on social media while slamming a coffee, you aren't giving yourself the space to honor YOU.
The morning should energize and empower us, not leave us feeling anxious and overwhelmed.
I encourage you to start your day with a meditation, listen to an uplifting podcast while doing some exercise, start a gratitude journal, or go for a walk and do some deep breathing exercises. These are all self-compassion practices. It comes down to making the effort to treat yourself like you would a good friend – with love, respect, and kindness. Spending quality time with yourself allows you to pay attention to what matters to you.
My morning ritual is non-negotiable. Without it, I don't feel whole. It has become a part of who I am. I need it. I yearn for it. Most of all, it has become the vessel by which I have been able to crush all of the limiting beliefs that I used to have. By making myself a priority, I now have the confidence and self-belief to know that, no matter what happens, I can handle it.
That is the power of having a morning ritual.
Everything that you have gone through, the good and the bad, has made you who you are today. You deserve the love that you so freely give to others. The next time that your inner critic shows up and tries to tell you otherwise, do something good for your soul and remind yourself how far you've come.
Don't buy into the myths of self-compassion. We are all beautiful works in progress. Wake up every day and engage in a practice of showing yourself kindness, love, and compassion. In the words of Christopher Germer, “A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change your entire life.”
How will you show up for yourself today?
How would it feel to wake up every day and feel a deep sense of self-compassion for yourself? CLICK HERE to join my Morning Ritual Mastery program!
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